just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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