I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
