We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
