Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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