My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize