That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
