it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize