Your dad touched me again.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
