I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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