Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
