I'm jealous of your bromance
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
