so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize