I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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