I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
