If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize