Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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