Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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