After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
