dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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