just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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