Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
