i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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