i can't believe i had my finger in that
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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