I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
