when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
