when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
