No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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