omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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