Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
