We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
