Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
