I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
