She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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