So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
