I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
