Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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