I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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