i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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