You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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