I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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