I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
