I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
