Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
