Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
