Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
