Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
