She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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