Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
