so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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