I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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