If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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