when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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