last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
