Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
