Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
