This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
