I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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