I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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