Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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