I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
