Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a hot homeless man
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
