I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
