5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
