So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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