I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
