just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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