It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
