awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
