I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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