you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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