if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
