he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
