I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize