i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
