wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
